I have to talk about MNF again. She had her baby – yay! – and he’s healthy and funny-looking in a cute way and everything is great. But I haven’t been over there to visit and give an offering of paleo no-bake cookie balls yet, because I can’t.

Scrolling through instagram, I saw a picture she took of her newborn looking at a black-and-white book and a line about how this is going to get him to #harvard and some other hashtags like #newbornschool, #smartbaby, #homeschool, etc. This was on day five of his life.

I can’t. I’m sorry; I’m just too easily annoyed right now to rise above and be a better human.

Other stuff, too, like here’s what I’m eating for breakfast and it has an avocado on it (#fitmama), or my two-year-old has no feelings whatsoever about her little newborn brother except for true undying love (#siblinglove), or here’s what my body looks like one week after birth (#NOEXCUSES). Her facebook birth announcement included the fact that she only pushed for five minutes and didn’t get any stitches (a post about how this was all due to yoga and coconut oil is in draft form, I assume).

I sound jealous and catty, right? I know!

Just, STOP, STOP. PLEASE STOP. I can’t take it.

I know none of it is real. And, T (hi, T!), you are right, I need to stop following her but I can’t because then I might miss the next opportunity to go completely mad.

Here’s the hard truth of it (it’s obvious to me, too). She brings out this completely awful part of myself, which I guess informs me that this awful part of myself exists in the first place. She’s so competitive that it makes me reflexively competitive. And not in the way that I want my kids to be better than her kids, because, so far at least, I don’t really feel that kind of competitiveness-by-proxy.

What I want is to watch her realize that she knows nothing, that none of us knows anything. She’s made so many public proclamations about her success as a parent (to a not-even-two-year-old) that it’s bound to happen. We don’t have that much control. We don’t know that much.

It’s petty, I’m being petty. It’s the competitiveness coupled with her personal branding as a sort of mom-goddess coach for the unwashed masses that drives me completely crackers. Especially because I know her in real life. It’s all pushing my buttons.

Also I’m due in less than a week and I’m a little irritable these days, probably particularly irritable about kid and parenting things. Hi, everyone.

Ugh, I have to go over there and bring some food.

Image credit: some black and white book for babies. #harvard.


4 thoughts on “i c a n ‘ t –

  1. oh my stars that is some grade-A Choice Bullsh right there.

    first thing i think when i hear/see something like that is:

    sorry, girl, i do – and i know i am so not the person to have any kind of feeling any kind of way about mom stuff but this kind of thing is just grodes.

    also, i do not think you’re petty, but i do think you should immediately stop looking at a dang thing that person says anywhere on any topic because that is just tiring.

    also, holy crap i didn’t realize you’re so close now, i owe you one hell of an e-mail, my dear.

    one hell of one.

    there are things happening and i have many thoughts and feelings about them.

    BUT – back to this lady: cut her like necrotized tissue from a wound and if she says anything you can ask her to kindly get to stepping on over to her next yoga class and bring her big bag of bullsh with her.

    (i’m having a day so i am sure i will feel badly later for the unkindness, not at all gentle or compassionate mess above <3 <3 <3)


  2. finished the day and NOPE, don’t feel badly about that mess above (only the typos and even better ways to tell her to get to stepping that only came to me after i hit Post Comment).


  3. Ok, I finally checked your blog. I thought maybe you were occupied since May or something… hee hee. And this a) made me laugh out loud and b) just really wished we were on the same coast for some drinkies and in-person talks.


    • Ha ha ha! A blog update, so funny! There is always a child on me now. ALWAYS!

      Yes it would be v nice to drink it out together. There are things, always things. And a school year starting (welcome back to crazytown). Alas.

      Hope you are well!


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