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I’m starting to worry a little about the fact that I don’t feel a real connection to my stepson. I still feel like we’re roommates.

Saint Wednesday Martin (all hail) says that it can take several years – maybe a decade – to feel a family sort of bond between stepparent and stepchild. I get that, and I realize that it’s only been a couple of years. But sometimes I wonder if it’s even in the cards for us and what it would look like if it weren’t. And sometimes I think about the day he will leave for college and how I’ll probably get choked up and wish I had spent this time in a more positive frame of mind.

I realize that it’s up to me to change my own perspective. It’s up to me to make this better for both of us. But I keep feeling like I can’t. I can’t right now. Which is bullshit because of course I can, I just won’t for some reason and I’m having a lot of trouble getting to a place where I will. It feels a little hopeless sometimes- I mean, what do I expect will happen? The situation will resolve itself somehow? What am I waiting for? It won’t. And every year that goes by without an adjustment on my part is setting it further into stone.

sigh.

You know. One thing I realized recently is that I don’t really like kids. That might be… relevant.

It is what it is. I’m not a monster, so no torches or angry mobs please. I have boundless love for my son. I will love any subsequent child(ren) I have in the same way. The children of people I’m close to are generally fine. But the children of others…. meh. Indifferent. I don’t even think babies are that cute except for Prince George, who we know is hell of cute and you are wrong if you disagree.

I realize how this all sounds. But you know how there are people who love kids but just don’t want any of their own? I’m kind of the opposite. It may be an INTP-related thing. I don’t hate them? I’m just pretty indifferent. And I don’t enjoy spending a lot of time around them. I don’t have the patience. I’m not terrible; I just shouldn’t ever be a teacher. You know? I don’t know how to interact with adult humans, let alone the juveniles.

Anyway, my long [defensive?] point here is that I may not be of the best stepmom material to begin with. I’m not that solicitous to kids. Maybe it will be better when he’s older? Maybe we’ll come to a place where we can mutually accept one another and from there, grow a stronger bond? I just hope it doesn’t come too late.

Image credit: Stefan Peters

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